Semester in Review pt. 3

This person I was with was pretty cool. She was fun to be with and for the short time we were together had a lot of fun. It still doesn’t mean I was supposed to be with her, so she left. When she did it finally made me realize the loss of having a someone close.

I can say that the emotions I was experiencing was from the total loss of a partner. I had never grieved over my previous ex because I replaced her. I finally did. It was a very tough time for me and made me think about what was going to happen next. I didn’t have a plan and I really had no idea what to do.

It was the beginning of April when I began searching for myself. I was always used to having someone but now the only thing I had was myself. I had glimpses of who I was when I would hang out with my close friends but that was rare. I had to find myself again. The first thing I did was try and reconnect lost friendships and bring back memories that could remind me of my true self.

I began to hang out with my best friend Blake more often, which is now usually twice a week. We would talk a lot about what I was going through over cups of coffee at 1 AM at IHOP. It helped. This helped identify what kind of person I was and what Deb had changed that I needed to get fixed. So I had a pretty good starting point.

A big problem was self-confidence. Deb had broken me down pretty hard and I needed to get back up. That took some work and up to now I’m doing pretty well. I opened myself up to people and took in their reactions to let myself be more comfortable with myself. I realized that I’m not as bad as I had perceived myself.

The biggest change was my friends. I had none. I had single friends here and there but no groups or circle. This is when I decided to join a church since my faith has been lacking the past years. Along with this I joined the college group at the church and met a ton of great people. These were the people I needed to be around. It surprised me how open and inviting they were to me. I felt I was in the right place. I knew these were going to be my friends and from them I’ll create close friends and maybe even a best friend.

Immediately I jumped in and was active in most every group activity. I didn’t hold back anything and just went all-in in hopes of finding a new home. I told myself to just try and to not miss any chances. This boosted my social skills and I made some awesome friends. In two months I already feel like one of them.

It feels great to have a caring groups of friends now. It’s something I never really had. And with this I found myself not defined by who I was with but by the choices I made and the people I chose to be with.

June 8th, 2009 by darkernights | Posted in Interesting | 3 Comments »

Semester in Review pt. 2

This semester I was also planning something big. I was getting ready to make a decision that would change my life but it turned out to be a choice I didn’t want to make.

My ex-fiance and I were planning to get married. We had tentatively set a date and really beginning the planning process. It seemed all good from the outside but my thoughts were hidden away from everyone.

What was I thinking? At the time I wasn’t sure. That was it, I really wasn’t sure about where I was taking my life. We were together about five years and just grew really close, but also grew apart because of where we ended up after highschool.  To me it seemed that getting married was the next logical step. I thought I loved her and felt like she was the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. Well, I also thought about what else was out there.

Our relationship wasn’t the greatest. She’s pretty cool, but as a couple we didn’t get along on a couple level. We fought a lot. It just wasn’t good and there are people who know how bad it was. This continued to fuel my thoughts of “what if?” I had tried leaving before but I went back because I couldn’t do it alone. Did this mean I needed something to hold onto while I got over her? Maybe, but I didn’t know. I didn’t really seem to know my heart that well.

It was in photography class that I met the person who would take my life and throw it overboard (looking back I find it humorous how it all played out). What basically happened was I found out this person had feelings for me. I quickly thought about the “what ifs” and decided that I had enough time to take a chance. I left my fiance and got with this strange girl. Somehow it felt right that I wasn’t getting married. Something inside me kept me curious enough to see what else is out there.

What do I think about it now?

I think I didn’t know what I was doing getting married so early! I needed a change and I got it. I don’t regret leaving. It was mutual too but getting with that other person is another story. Haha, I couldn’t just have a normal breakup process. I like challenges!

This is where it began to change. I was heading down a different, unknown road. I was with another person and the plans I had for my future were erased. I didn’t have plans anymore. But inside me I also began to change.

Pt. 3 coming soon…

May 10th, 2009 by darkernights | Posted in thoughts | 3 Comments »

Semester in Review pt. 1.5

Aside from my schedule of work and classes my life was still pretty much the same but I’ll share a few things that were new this semester.

I began to get more active online in social networking like facebook. I guess it was because I had made more friends and needed ways to keep up with them. I’m not really sure if it’s a good thing. It has its place and scrabble is always fun.

I also found an awesome blog, Gizmodo, which I now read every day. It’s pretty great and covers a lot of neat gadgets and news.

In January I picked up a new lens. It was a Sigma 30mm f/1.4. This gave me the ability to take better low light and those cool shallow depth of field shots. It also taught me a lot in composition. I was stuck with a single focal length so it forced me to compose with that single angle of view. I’ve ended up loving this lens and have taken some pretty neat shots with it too. With the new lens and photog class I also got back into photography a bit more. I revamped my website and have tried to keep it updated with new pics.

So currently I spend my time reading Giz, taking photos, idling on facebook, chatting, texting, eating, driving, and sleeping.

Ha, yeah I seem to text more. I guess it’s because I got a new phone with a keyboard. Unfortunately it’s the Helio Ocean 2 which is now owned by .. *cough*virgin mobile*cough*. Oh well, the phone works great and it’s pretty fast. Max texts in/out for a month is around 12k. Crazy month.

I now enjoy driving a bit more than usual and I don’t know why. I guess it was an escape for me and gave me a chance to think. It worked.

Food wise I don’t think I can count how many tacos I’ve eaten at Mama Margie’s with my friend John. We went there all the time for lunch. Good stuff and at $.69 a bean and cheese taco it’s hard to say no since college budgets are tight! I could get a full meal which includes 4 tacos, unlimited chips, and water for $2.97. Not bad at all.

I like sleeping, but I didn’t get a lot of it. I learned that I can be fully energized on 5 hours of sleep. Now I just need to find stuff to do when I’m awake else I end up napping.  Oh well, I like it but sometimes I just can’t do it or have better things to do like play Left4Dead.

Speaking of games, I now play Left4Dead a lot and usually when my friend comes over on Tues/Thurs nights when he’s out of class. It became a sort of tradition. It’s hard to not want to survive a zombie apocalypse.

What I hope to do now is continue working on my photography. It’s become a real passion and now an expressive outlet for me. Hopefully I can get well enough that it becomes art. Haha, maybe.

Stay tuned for pt. 2 which will be out sometime in the future. I’m not really going for a one-a-day thing just whenever I feel inspired to write.

May 8th, 2009 by darkernights | Posted in Interesting | 5 Comments »

Semester in review pt. 1

January I began the final semester towards my associates degree.  I planned to take four classes (macroeco, supporting XP, japanese, photog 1) and work at the college computer lab part time. It was the same routine I had the past three years. I also began another journey but was unaware until about halfway through.

So the semester began smoothly and I got back into routine with a new work and class schedule. I made sure to allot time for my fiance (at the time) and I to hang out. It turned out to be a pretty solid schedule. Here’s a quick breakdown:

Monday: Free until Japanese at 5:30p-7:40p
Tuesday: Supporting XP at 1:00p-2:40p then free after that
Wednesday: Work 7:00a-12:30p then free until Japanese at 5:30p-7:40p
Thursday:  Work 7:00a-12:30 then Supporting XP at 1:00p-2:40p then free after
Friday: Work 8:00a-5:00p and free after that
Saturday: Photog 9:00a-2:00p and free after
Macroeco was online so I usually did work for that class on Sunday when quizzes and discussions were due.

It was pretty good. The only thing I didn’t like but chose intentionally was working early on Wed and Thurs at 7. Normally I would sleep in so working instead of sleeping just maximized my available time. 

The classes were pretty easy too. Japanese ended up being the hardest because of the work required to learn it but still easy. Photography was a breeze since we were just required to take a photo according to a theme then print them out. I didn’t really learn much in that class but it was fun. Supporting XP just had us do labs and quizzes out of the book which made that class very simple. Macoeco was online so the quizzes were also out of the book so I could get by without reading.

So when did things begin to change? That’s coming up in pt. 2.

May 8th, 2009 by darkernights | Posted in thoughts | 1 Comment »

Complexity

How can we call something so complex simple?

It’s never just a direction.

May 3rd, 2009 by darkernights | Posted in Interesting | 2 Comments »